Xena Disclaimers


Season 1:

"Cradle of Hope"
No babies were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Prometheus"
Iolaus was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Green Egg Men went on to live long and prosperous lives.
"Death in Chains"
No Jumbo Sized Cocktail Rats were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Hooves & Harlots"
No Males, Centaurs or Amazons were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Beware Greeks Bearing Gifts"
No oversized Polynesian-Style Bamboo Horses were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, many wicker lawn chairs gave their lives.
"Athens City Academy of the Performing Bards"
The producers would like to acknowledge and pay tribute to Stanley Kubrick, Kirk Douglas, and all those who were involved with the making of the film classic "Spartacus".
"A Fistful of Dinars"
No Ambrosia was spilled, spoiled, or in any way harmed during the production of this motion picture. (Thanks to the indefinite shelf life of marshmallows.)
"Warrior...Princess"
Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Mortal Beloved"
No Winged Harpies were harmed or sent to a fiery grave during the production of this motion picture.
"The Royal Couple of Thieves"
No Ancient and Inflexible Rules governing moral behavior were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"The Prodigal"
Meleager the Mighty, the generally Tipsy and Carousing Warrior-for-Hire, was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Altared States"
No Unrelenting or Severely Punishing Deities were harmes during the production of this motion picture.
"Ties that Bind"
No Fathers, Spiritual or Biological, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"The Greater Good"
Excessive belching can cause brain damage and social ostracism. Kids, please don't give in to peer pressure. Play it safe.
"Callisto"
Joxer's nose was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, his crossbow was severely damaged.
"Death Mask"
No messenger doves were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several are reportedly missing in action and search-and-rescue efforts are underway.
"Is There A Doctor In The House?"
Being that war is hell, lots of people were harmed during the production of this motion picture (but since television is a dramatic medium of makebelieve, all casualties removed their prosthetic makeup and went home unscathed).

Season 2:

"Orphan Of War"
No Sleazy warlords who deem it necessary to drink magic elixers that turn them into sealy centaurs were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Remember Nothing"
Xena's memory was not damaged or...what was I saying?
"Giant Killer"
No Bible myths or Icons were irreparably mangled during the production of this motion picture.
"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
No Bloodsucking Bacchae were harmed during the production of this motion picture. However a few Driads lost their heads.
"Return of Callisto"
Although Xena finally conquered her dark nemesis Callisto, it took her weeks to get the sand out of her leather unmentionables.
"Warrior...Princes...Tramp"
Neither Xena nor her remarkably coincidental identical twin, Diana, were harmed during the production of this motion picture. Meg however suffered minor injuries while preparing Aardvark nuggets for King Lias.
"Intimate Stranger"
Argo was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However she is undergoing intensive psychotherapy to help her work through her resentment and feelings of distrust toward Xena.
"Ten Little Warlords"
No one was harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Xena's ability to recover her body was severely impeded by Lucy Lawless' unexpected mishap.
"A Solstice Carol"
Senticles was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, several chimneys are in dire need of repair.
"The Xena Scrolls"
No Hollywood producers were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Here She Comes... Miss Amphipolis"
No ribbons were harmed in the production of this motion picture. However, several experienced severe motion sickness.
"Destiny"
Julius Caesar was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, the Producers deny responsibility for any unfortunate acts of betrayal occurring soon thereafter.
"The Quest"
Xena's body was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, it took weeks for Autolycus to get his swagger back.
"A Necessary Evil"
The reputation of the Amazon Nation was not harmed despite Velasca's overly radical adherence to an otherwise valid belief system.
"A Day in the Life"
No slippery eels were harmed during the production of this motion picture despite their reputation as a fine delicacy in select cultures of the known world.
"For Him the Bell Tolls"
The producers wish to acknowledge the inspiration of Danny Kaye and pay tribute to the classic motion picture, The Court Jester.
"The Execution"
By popular demand "The Executioner" will bring back his comfortable lightweight cotton-flax blend robe in a variety of spring colors.
"Blind Faith"
Once again, Gabrielle's luck with men was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Ulysses"
Despite Gabrielle's incessant hurling, Ulysses' ship was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"The Price"
To show sympathy for the Horde, "kaltaka" was only served upon request during the production of this motion picture.
"The Lost Mariner"
Cecrops' "Joie de Vivre" was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"A Comedy of Eros"
No cherries were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

Season 3:

"The Furies"
Xena's sanity was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. The Furies, however, will be opening their own lap-dancing variety show off-off-off-Broadway soon.
"Been There, Done That"
The rooster was not harmed during the production of this motion picture, although his feathers were severely ruffled. However, a little gel and mousse straightened out the mess.
"The Dirty Half Dozen"
No Convicts were reformed during the production of this motion picture. Can't we all just get along?
"The Deliverer"
Gabrielle was slightly well-done during the production of this motion picture. However, the producers would like to recommend a zesty barbeque sauce to bring out the full flavor of this episode.
"Gabrielle's Hope"
Despite witnessing the bizarre and somewhat disturbing birth of Gabrielle's Hope, no farm animals were harmed or traumatized during the production of this motion picture.
"The Debt"
No Frock Tarts were killed during the production of this motion picture although they wish they had been.
"The Debt II"
Xena and Gabrielle's relationship suffered another blow (although Gabrielle doesn't know it yet) during the production of this motion picture.
"The King of Assassins"
Due to the infliction of a severe wedgie, Joxer was slightly uncomfortable but not seriously harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Warrior...Priestess...Tramp"
Despite another Xena look-alike, the gene pool (or rather gene puddle) was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"The Quill is Mightier..."
No naked Gabrielles were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Maternal Instincts"
Xena and Gabrielle's relationship was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"The Bitter Suite"
The musical genre was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. In fact, the Producer's sincerely hope you were A-MUSE-D by this episode.
"One Against An Army"
Gabrielle's ankle was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Forgiven"
No street-talking, cat-fighting, barroom-brawling juvenile delinquents were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"King Con"
No Con Men were conned during the production of this motion picture.
"When in Rome..."
Caesar's Palace was not harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Crassus and the gladiators went down for the count.
"Forget Me Not"
Xena and Joxer were not forgotten during the production of this motion picture.
"Fins, Femmes & Gems"
Joxer's dignity was slightly harmed during the production of this motion picture. However, Gabrielle's pink nightie was restored to its original condition.
"Tsunami"
No Cast or Crew were singing "Tanks for the Memories" during the production of this motion picture. However, the phrase "Strike the Set" was given new meaning.
"Vanishing Act"
Upon completion of the filming of this episode, Autolycus' Scuba Gear was placed on display at the Athens Diving Institute for the education and enjoyment of future generations to come.
"Sacrifice I"
No Pulsing Cocoons were harmed during the production of this motion picture. What was witnessed was purely a reenactment.
"Sacrifice II"
Gabrielle finally went off the deep end during the production of this motion picture.

Season 4:

"Adventures in the Sin Trade I"
No Dead Amazons lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.
"Adventures in the Sin Trade II"
Xena's search for Gabrielle was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"A Family Affair"
No Spike-Skinned, Beast-Like, Incredibly Hungry Offspring who can't stand the sun were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"In Sickness and in Hell"
No Leapin' Lice were beaten, whipped, smashed or scratched during the production of this motion picture.
"A Good Day"
No Permanent Battle Scars were inflicted during the production of this motion picture.
"A Tale of Two Muses"
No Self-Righteous Magistrates intent on suppressing the basic human right of freedom of expression were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Locked Up and Tied Down"
No Rabid Flesh-Eating Crabs were cooked during the production of this motion picture.
"Crusader"
Xena's Best Chewing Tooth was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Past Imperfect"
Borias' goose was cooked during the production of this motion picture.
"The Key to the Kingdom"
No Priceless Porkers, of either organic or ceramic origin, were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Daughter of Pomira"
No Blonde-Haired, Blue-Eyed Horde girls or their extended families were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
Lakota toti. Bonai. Soli bonai.
"If the Shoe Fits"
No Fractured Fables were harmed in the production of this motion picture.
"Paradise Found"
Paradise was found but not necessarily embraced during the production of this motion picture.
"Devi"
In memory of Women's Best Friend:
Bear
Dodger
Kali
Samantha
Taffy
Bear
"Between the Lines"
Xena's Chakram got Gabrielle by the short hairs during the production of this motion picture.
"The Way"
Any similarities between Hanuman and a major character in the motion picture classic "Planet of the Apes" is purely coincidental.
"The Play's the Thing"
Although no great literary works of art were harmed or plagiarised, a few thespians stole some scenes during the production of this motion picture.
"The Convert"
Argo's gastronomical condition was cleared up upon the completion of this motion picture.
"Takes One to Know One"
Argo was once again proven innocent during the production of this motion picture.
"Endgame"
Pompey's reign came to a head during the production of this motion picture.
"Ides of March"
Xena and Gabrielle were killed during the production of this motion picture.
"Deja Vu All Over Again"
No Sword-Wielding, Card-Playing, Therapy-Seeking French Freedom Fighters were deflowered during the production of this motion picture. However, rumors of Custer and Pocahontas remain unconfirmed.

Season 5:

"Fallen Angel"
Hell Hath No Fury like a Woman Scorned.
"Chakram"
Xena's Dark and Violent Past was restored during the production of this motion picture.
"Succession"
Ares' Libido was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Animal Attraction"
Although The Rabbit Died, No other animals were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Them Bones, Them Bones"
Xena and Alti were Bad To The Bone during the production of this motion picture.
"Purity"
To obtain a copy of Joxer's recipe for Moo Shu Sauce and other Chinese delicacies visit your local bookstore or look for it at the tavern.
"Back in the Bottle"
Pao Ssu's split personality was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Little Problems"
No Pie Tins were harmed during the making of Tharon's mask.
"Seeds of Faith"
Thanks to Eli's non-violent ways, many people lost their lives during the production of this motion picture.
"Lyre, Lyre, Hearts on Fire"
No Lyres were strung out during the production of this motion picture.
"Punch Lines"
Gabrielle and Argo were Shrunk and Permanently Pressed during the production of this motion picture.
"God Fearing Child"
Zeus cashed in his chips during the production of this motion picture.
"Eternal Bonds"
Ares' virility was harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Amphipolis Under Siege"
Post Production was under siege during the production of this motion picture.
"Married With Fishsticks"
No Sea Nymphs or other Denizens of the Deep were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Life Blood"
Warning: The Surgeon General confirms practising Weird and Grotesque Amazon rituals may be hazardous to your health.
"Kindred Spirits"
Many Cinnamon Swirls lost their lives during the making of Gabrielle's headdress.
"Anthony and Cleopatra"
No rubberized snakes intent on destroying the Queen of Egypt were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Looking Death in the Eye"
Death almost died during the production of this motion picture.
"Livia"
Due to an over indulgence of Bean and Bard Burgers, Meg's gastro-intestinal problem intensified during the production of this motion picture.
"Eve"
Joxer's sudden and unexpected death slowed down his rapid ageing process during the production of this motion picture.
"Motherhood"
All the gods were harmed during the production of this motion picture.

Season 6:

"Coming Home"
Xena & Gabrielle's psyches were harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"The Haunting of Amphipolis"
No maggots were harmed during the making of this motion picture, although a few were found stuck in Gabrielle's teeth.
"Heart of Darkness"
All Hell broke loose during the filming of this motion picture.
"Who's Gurkhan?"
Xena's uncanny ability to recover from devastating wounds was not harmed during the production of this motion picture.
"Legacy"
Despite severe air turbulence, no sand dunes were harmed during the making of this motion picture, although some experienced periodic bouts of motion sickness.
"The Abyss"
Virgil's appetite was suppressed during the making of this motion picture.
"The Rheingold"
No flying horses were harmed in the making of this motion picture, although several villagers were bombarded with aerial manure.
"The Ring"
Gabrielle's popluarity soared in the making of this motion picture.
"The Return of the Valkyrie"
Any Similarity Between Our Story and The Classic Childrens Fairy Tale Is Purely Coincidental.
"Old Ares Had a Farm"
Ares went to the dogs in the making of this motion picture.
"Dangerous Prey"
Raczar mysteriously disappeared at the completion of production of this motion picture and is rumored to have been living under the guise of "Prince Vladimar Barbeque Raczar?"
"The God You Know"
Gabrielle's undercover disguise was extensively harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"You Are There"
Linear time was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"Path of Venceance"
The disclaimer for this episode was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"To Helicon and Back"
No shark bait was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"Send in the Clones"
No Xena fans were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
"The Last of the Centaurs"
The centaur population was severely harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"When Fates Collide"
As the Fates would have it, Caesar was once again harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"Many Happy Returns"
No fish guts were harmed in the making of this motion picture.
"Soul Possession"
Joxer's process of elimination was harmed during the making of this motion picture.
"Friend in Need I"
Xena and Gabrielle's Flying Circus and Amateur Fire Brigade will be arriving in your town soon.
"Friend in Need II"
Xena was permanently harmed in the making of this motion picture, but kept her spirits up.