I wrote this after my father passed away in June of 2000 from Leukemia. I miss you Daddy! I know I always will.

I find it hard to believe he's gone. I go through the motions alone, and it seems like he's just giving me a chance to do things alone, rather than do them himself, or guide me. I half expect him to return at any moment from work, as I can't quite believe he's really gone. The man who has been there in my life for as long as it has been mine is gone, and I can't really believe it. Yes, I cried my eyes out right after it happened, but now, in this quasi-numb, quasi-dreamlike state I can't bring myself to believe my new reality. It's not that I don't want to, but I'm just not able to. Not yet. It may be a defense mechanism, or it may just be my way of dealing. I don't really know. It doesn't matter, anyway. I'm getting on with my life, just as I know he'd want me to. My heart is broken, but I'm not able to see or feel it. Now that the crazyness of the past few days has passed perhaps I'll have some time to myself to meditate. Perhaps not. At any rate I'll just keep on going on with my life without him, steady onwards until reality decides it is time to kick in...

People keep asking if I'm alright, if they can do something, and what I need. The only thing I need is the one thing they can't give me. I nod and smile at their expressions of pity and worrow towards my plight. I know they are hurting too, and I'm trying to help them as well. By helping ease their grief I can ignore my own, at least for a time, and lise myself in this unreal reality that has become my life.

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